Cozahost Newsletter Archive

Newsletter Archive

Are you offering spades when you could be offering holes? Do you know about the unwritten rules of sending email or do you annoy your clients / colleagues and friends.

You are welcome to forward this newsletter to friends or colleagues who might like to read it.
 

Not because it is pretty.  Not because you wanted one since you were a kid - no: you buy a spade because you want to make a hole in the ground, or mix cement, or move sand.  In fact, if you could buy ready made holes at the hardware shop, most of us would prefer that option.  Imagine: simply drive the hole home, unfold it and - voila(!) one ready to use hole in the ground. 

The spade people will go out of business in a flash.

It is much the same thing for any other tool:  the tool is not the objective - it is a means to an end.  In fact, it is a bit of a grudge purchase: why buy a drill if you can get holes in the wall, or a screwdriver if you have automatic, self-turning screws?  Who wants to use  email software if you can telepathically communicate with anyone - instantly?  Web site?  Who needs a web site if everyone knows you and you are making more sales than you can handle?

No-one wants tools - it implies work, and time, and skill, and frustration, and sweat.  We all want instant solutions.

Unfortunately this is planet earth in the year 2007.  Instant holes in the ground are still in development. A spade will have to do.  There are no ready made holes in stock. By the sweat of your brow...

Then, putting spades, holes and web sites and design tools together, we realized:

Not everyone wants to build a web site for their business! Gasp!  Sacrilege!  But true. 

We were offering spades (web servers and tools) to people in need of holes (effective web sites).

Fortunately in the IT industry, ready-to-use-holes are in stock.  In fact, we stock them in several colors, widths, depths and gradients.  Yes, we now offer template driven basic web sites "out-of the-box" to selected clients.  ( ).  Unfold, add a bit of your own words and - voila(!) one ready and functional web site.

Are you offering spades when you could be offering holes?

Think about that question carefully - the survival of your business may depend on it.

And now on to the rules of using email.  Take with a splash of salt, your beverage of choice and tongue firmly in cheek:
 

 
Rules. 

The thing we all hated as kids:  "Keep your elbows off the table", "Say 'excuse me' when you burp", "Don't throw spitballs at your sister"

Rules are un-fun.  Until we grow up.  Then we can make a rule or two of our own.  Like: "Touch my wors again and I'll braai your freaking hand!" or "No grubby paws on my remote control."

Mainly we obey rules because we understand that our actions have consequences.  We grew to understand that rules are needed if society is to function.  Even though no-one is around to punish us when we stick our hands in the proverbial cookie jar, we still refrain from infraction.  Not because we are scared, but because we consent to the rules.  You can call it morals, religion, self-discipline, whatever - but it is still the same thing: it is consented conformity: We agree to drive on the left side of the road.  We agree not to assault annoying people. We agree not to touch another persons wors on the braai grid.

Sometimes there are rules we are not even aware of.  For instance, eating with your left hand are considered to be a grievous insult to your hosts in some cultures.  Or, one of my personal rules: Don't touch my PC monitor with your fingers! Infringe and I go postal.  Ape poop.

("Postal" is when one reaches murderous intent, but in a calm, calculated, cold kind of way. 

"Ape poop" is a state reached after one suffered a critical and total humor failure, a reason melt-down, terminal annoyance, weapons grade distemper.  It is reverting back to single minded, ape state fury - biblical in magnitude.)

A good example of "invisible" rules are the unwritten rules governing email.  Most people abide by a set of email rules they may not even know exist: they simply follow the example set by their peers.  It is the existence of these rules (and everyone's conformity) that played a big part to make email the biggest productivity breakthrough in the last decade.

Invisible and unwritten rules!  Cool.

Of course if I write about them in this newsletter those rules will make them both visible and written.  It would be like breaking the unwritten rule about writing about unwritten rules.

So, instead of telling you what the rules are, let's see how you can actively disobey them:

Forget relevant and succinct subject lines

The subject line of an email tells the receiver at a glance what the email is about and how it should be processed.  It can be a great time saver for the reader and it is considered to be very polite of the sender.  For instance

Using good subject lines are obviously not a good strategy to annoy your target. 

Normal email example:

Annoying example:

See? 

In the second example you force the reader to either consult a psychic or reply to ask which project you are talking about - and (bonus point) he had to open the email to see what it was about...and then he still did not know!  Wham! Two fisted punch right in the annoy gland.

Send b-i-g unsolicited attachments

Email attachments can take a long time to download - especially on a modem line.  Even ADSL and 3G users are affected by large attachments because they have a finite amount of bandwidth available.  See the opportunity?  Simply attach the biggest attachment you can lay your hands on to the email.  Send the target a photo of your latest trip, but make sure you send the original 2.5Mb file (the one you can use to make an A3 poster) and not a smaller version suitable for viewing on the screen.

If you are sending a business plan or spreadsheet - then send it in original form: do not compress (zip) the files.  That way the receiver will waste a lof of resources (including time) to download attachments 5 to ten times larger than they need to be.

If you can send a couple of these every week, you can play a real role in delaying other, legitimate email.

Forward that sucker - to everyone.

Lets face it: every person in your contact list secretly loves to hear about the plight of the Albainian baboon stranded in Kursk - they are just itching to help the poor animal by forwarding your email to 100 of their friends within 5 minutes. 

I know you don't believe the stupid story about Bill Gates magically tracking every email you forward so that he can donate $1 to the five year old girl with two heads and nine feet - but: how many people on your contact list are less astute?  Just forward the sucker.  Why mess with your karma?  There is after all a remote possibility that a garden gnome will force you to perform unspeakable acts with you if you don't. Besides: it will annoy the living chain letter out of your contacts.

Another sure fire way to terminally annoy people is by forwarding everything you get to everyone you know:  One of your friends forwards you the latest Sipo van der Merwe joke - then forward it to the all of your contacts (including the original sender): regardless if they were on the original list or not.

SCREAM YOUR MESSAGE

Capitals are traditionally used to start sentences and for names.  On the internet capitals are used to SCREAM.  Like: "I AM ANGRY".  Want to annoy overtly?  SIMPLY TYPE YOUR ENTIRE MESSAGE IN UPPERCASE.  SIMPLE, STRAIGHT FORWARD, SURE FIRE WAY TO ANNOY JUST ABOUT ANY LITERATE (OR SEMI CONSCIOUS) PERSON.

Punctuate gratuitously!!!!!!

More punctuation is better.  Why use one exclamation mark if three would be better???  In fact, why not use multiple question marks and exclamation marks at the same time??!!  Why make a *strong point* when you can "color it in" with punctuation marks???  To irritate and annoy, punctuate - generously.  Example:

Your product is broken!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How many times must I complain about this??????  Do you people know what you are doing????!!!  

Don't use the CC or BCC

When a receiver notices that his name is on the CC (Carbon Copy) list, he knows immediately the email was sent to him for information.  The main receiver(s) is/are listed in the "To" field of the email.  A simple and easy way to annoy people is to ignore the CC field.  If the mail is intended for Pete but Sue and Koos must also take note - then go right ahead: list all three in the "To" field.  Have them figure out who the email was intended for.  This one is worth a good few seconds (even minutes) of annoyment.

The BCC (blind carbon copy) field is used when you do not want the To and CC people to know your email went to a third group: the BCC lot.  Lets say you send an email to your client's boss - you would then copy (CC) that message to your client too, as a curteousy and to keep him in the loop.  Your guys might also need to know, but you don't want your client to know who's who in the zoo your side, so you BCC your guys.  Nonsense.  Expose the whole sorry lot.  List everyone you email in your CC list so that everyone will have everyone else's email addresses.  If you are lucky a spammer might even pick up the email and all the email addresses on the list will receive offers for enhancement products for the rest of their natural life.

In the game of annoy people, this won't classify for a left hook.

Oh no. 

This is a head-butt: Ke-bam!  Straight on the bridge of the nose.

Don't re-read your own email (a.k.a incoherence attack)

Most people type slower than they think, so, while writing, multiple thoughts will cross your mind.  Mid-sentence about topic A, you will think about how that affects topic C because B is involved with D.  Some times that confusion can shine through in our emails, so people tend to re-read their own emails before sending it.

Do you realize how many opportunities to annoy they are missing?  The receiver also has the problem with selfus-interruptus while writing, so there is a level of sympathy built in.  Simply don't read your own emails before sending it. Have the other guy side decide how to read write read you.  After all new project is not mistake you made he forgot wat subject we are talking about.  Of course a spilling error or to may also be worth while to pop right uner the book.

Stupid jokes and enjoy your day trinkets

This one can go on for a long time before your target realize his actually under annoyment attack.  Pick the stupidest, lamest jokes you can find.  Give priority to the one's you receive more than once before.  Now send these to your target.  Chances are he won't think it's funny either and (bonus) he read the joke before, but he might be too embarrassed to tell you straight to your face that your sense of humor sucks.  Drive the nail home by sending him the same jokes every few months, and (if available) jokes he sent you in the first place - but don't make it too obvious: you don't want him to realize he is being targeted.

A more sophisticated line of attack (works better if used by women) is the "I love you", "Enjoy your day" trinket.  Do not under any circumstances write something original yourself to post to your friends.  They might appreciate it.  No.  COPY something from somewhere else.  Preferably the sweetest, soppiest, cliche-ridden drivel you can find.  You know, the "I love you so much, my special friend, my soul is connected to you....bla...bla...bla." kind. 

Now add a little animated picture of a little angel / flowers / quote animal / dolphin / puppy dog and forward it to ALL your friends; that's right: they are all special - and all of them must know that you think all of them are special.  Each and every one of them.  Special. Very. To you.

I can just hear them scream.

For a touch of finesse, follow this up with a "have a ding-dong-day" kind of thing.  Don't use a personal message to tell your friend to have a good day!  No! COPY something and send it to him...and then insist he forward that on to 5 of his BESTEST friends within FIVE minutes.

Feel the burn baby!

Defend yourself

Since we are on the same team, I have to also tell you how to defend yourself against annoying email senders.  Actually, it is very, very simple:

Login to the web interface of your email server and create a rule to specify any email from no-more@annoy.co-m, where it is not sent directly to you, should be bounced back to the sender.  Not only will you not receive the annoying emails, you (the annoy-ee) will annoy the annoy-er because he will have to deal with his email bouncing back as undeliverable....

Cozahost email users:  Visit the web site http://mail.your-domain-name.co.za, login with your email address and password, then click on "My content filtering" on below the "Settings" main menu item.  Now click "add a filter" and construct a filter with any set of conditions you wish.  Note that the filter will work whether you check your mail or not - the perfect fire-and-forget email organize weapon. :-)

Read more about using smart email filters to simplify your life here: http://www.cozahost.com/help/email/smartermail
 

At Cozahost we help small companies and professionals tame the internet so that they can concentrate on making money.  We take care of the technical stuff so that they can take care of business.  Here are some of our products and services:
 

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Thanks for reading this newsletter and we hope you enjoyed it!  Please contact us if you have comments, suggestions or questions - we would love to hear from you!