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The principles of web marketing are not to be confused with the (alleged) healing properties of snake oil - and download free trail software to improve your search engine ranking.

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This edition of the news letter is a bit longer than usual - partly due to the fact that the smile of the day is much longer than usual. I just couldn't resist to sharing the Darwin awards for stupidity with you. :-)

First though, we discuss telesales guys hawking online advertising.

I hate telesales, so I admit that I am a bit biased, but these guys really got my goat after they called me for the forth time. It's not just the fact that they cold call, but also because the product they are trying to sell sucks...big time.

These were gentlemen who traveled the wild west in wagons, hawking their products. The wagons would double as stages, and they'd put up very entertaining shows indeed...the infomercial of the 1700s if you like. The "snake oil" they sold could (allegedly) cure the common cold, fix tooth ache, reverse baldness, heal piles, grow back severed limbs and instantly fix a hangover. And that was before breakfast.

They were the undisputed masters of the half truth, the double negative, the sweet talk gymnasts.

Although they made a point of not hanging around the same little village for too long, their sales pitch contained disclaimers - just in-case. For instance: the common cold cure would only work if you sucked half a cup of hot snake oil through your left nostril standing on one foot with both hands in your pockets.

Don't sneeze!

When someone in the audience wanted to know if that wouldn't be difficult to do, they would insist that it is easy: "just ask a friend to help you hold your balance, wipe the tears away and pinch your nose so that you don't sneeze oil all over your clothes and walls."

If the cure still did not work (duh!) then the oil was obviously not hot enough now was it? Buy another bottle and try again, but this time make sure the oil is HOT...

Back then in the wild west, these guys made money with their verbal virtuosity, but mostly because their target market did not understand the principles of health. Now I don't mean "understand" as in being a doctor, but simple things like viruses, healthy eating, the permanence of amputations and the importance of brushing your teeth.

If their audience understood the principles, there would be no way on earth you could fast talk them - just like most modern folk won't buy a lunar-radiation-emanation-cranial-shield (tin helmet) no matter how good the salesman. He simply would not be able to convince you that the full moon can cook our brain. (Well, actually, I know a couple of guys I might be able to sell on that idea at the next braai, but that's another (sad) story for another time.)

The new wild west

I've said many times before that the internet today is like the wild west was two hundred years ago: a place of unlimited potential, unique opportunities, danger, and...snake oil salesmen.

The specific brand of snake oil I was offered recently was online advertising. The story goes like this:

Picture a office: desk littered with stuff, keyboard and mouse on a weird angle. It's a busy morning. Half cup of cold coffee standing just left of the phone...which rings suddenly and shrilly. It's the tenth call in the last 30 minutes. I snatch the phone off the hook and announce myself as politely as my stress level allows. A serious sounding guy states slowly and deliberately:

"We had a look at your web site and we would like to introduce Cozahost to our 1.7 million subscribers."

W-h-a-t? I think to myself, completely off my feet. Then I say: "What?"

The guy on the phone repeats the offer. "Let me get this straight: he wants to introduce Cozahost to 1.7 million subscribers?", I think to myself.

My BS alarm goes off.

I lean back into my chair and put my feet on the desk. This was going to be entertaining.

The guy on the other side was using the silence technique. He was waiting for me to ask him a question. If I ask a question, I have to listen to him to answering it. He has a list of questions and perfect answers prepared and memorized. I know the rules and I know the game plan.

I said: "Congratulations!"

Judging from the breathing I could hear in the receiver, he did not expect that at all. He is now completely off of his script - as planned. I pointed the silence technique back at him. Now he had to ask me a question.

"Thank you sir, but what are you congratulating me for?", he asked eventually.

I told him that that was maybe the best marketing BS line I have ever heard, and that he must be very proud of it.

Prime grade snake oil

The conversation then went around in circles for a few minutes while he tried to duck my basic questions, but eventually I got to the bottom of it.

These guys wanted Cozahost to buy an advertisement on their web site (for more than a thousand rand a month). The add will be one of five little graphic blocks that his 1.7 million subscribers will just "love to click on" to buy services from Cozahost.

After I stopped laughing and could talk again, I got off from the floor, wiped the tears from my eyes and told him politely that no, we are not interested. Of course he tried to explain how sorry I m going to be for missing this once in a lifetime opportunity. I told him, less politely this time, that I'd rather sniff hot Castrol GTX up my left nostril. He got the point after that.

The principles

The excellent salesman was from a company called Brabys - amongst other things, they sell ad space on Business day online. The same guys also sell adds on Ananzi...and others.

Despite their terrific sounding offer, I refused because their "offer" violated these principles of spending on advertising:

1. Never sign long term contracts unless the other party guarantees performance.
These guys wanted a year contract - whether or not the advertisement on their site generated any income for us or not.

2. Never believe unsubstantiated claims of an exclusive client base.
Their (alleged) 1.7 Million subscribers can be reached via several other media, in other words, they don't own those (alleged) subscribers.

3. Never assume your add space will be suitable for your needs / brand.
A little colored graphic stuck in between 5 others advertising anything from insurance to security guards, on a page with an article on the pros and cons of genetically modified foods? No thank you.

4. Always insist on performance measurement.
They could not tell me exactly (or even approximately!) how many times my add will be shown.

5. Always consider alternatives before committing.
The Google ad offering is better in every single way. More on that a bit later.

6. Always make sure you get your money's worth.
Do the sums. It's a good deal if you spend R 10 on ads to generate R 20 worth of profit. It's NOT a good deal if advertising costs more than the business (profit) it generates. Duh.

Google adwords

To understand how truly backward the Braby offer is, lets look at Google advertisements (adwords):

Our Google adwords campaign gives us:

1. No fixed monthly subscription required.

2. We choose where our ads are shown, and it will always be relevant to the user's current search. In other words: our ad will not show when someone searches for hangover cure.

3. We decide if our ads are shown only on Google or on their entire network.

4. We pay ONLY for leads, in other words, people who clicked on our ad.

5. We elect to show ads on Google only to South Africans searching to a specific service.

6. We decide our own budget (remember you only pay for click-thrus) and it can be as low as US$ 5 per day.

7. We get detailed reports on how many clicks, on which ad (we run multiple) during which time period, on which keywords, etc.

Get more info about Google adwords here...

The moral of the story

I'm sorry (for Brabys) that they had to be the ones to inspire this article, but, as they say, stuff happens.

The comparison to Google ad words is just to demonstrate how hopelessly inferior this specific offer was, but it applies to many other companies and medium too. The principles are always the same.

I'm sure there are a number of other service providers and web sites selling snake oil too. Some of them, in fact, many of them may not even know that their product is in snake oil. Scary thought.

As for you, gentle reader: Don't sniff hot oil. No hangover is worth it.

In a previous issue of this newsletter we explained how search engines and their spiders work.

Search engine optimizing (SEO, ie "tuning" your site for high rankings in search engines) is perhaps the most effective form of advertising - bar none. Once your site has quality, targeted content and you optimize it correctly, it will generate a steady stream of visitors and customers - free of charge - for a long time to come.

On a rand for rand and hour for hour basis, SEO will generate more business than any form of online advertising: Google adwords included. Google handles over half a billion searches per year. If you get first or even third spot on the right keywords...

Unfortunately the art and science of SEO is becoming more and more complex and time consuming. The basic principles still work of course, but what if you are outranked by a competitor web site because they have access to search engine optimization techniques and you don't?

The answer is automation: optimize your own site (no technical knowledge required) by using a software tool that will analyze your site, give recommendations, compare to your competitors, submit your site to search engines and monitor your ranking.

It is the same software we use to help new web site owners optimize their home pages, and it is called Web Position and you can download a free (functional) trail copy here...

This software is worth every single sent...and then some. We will cover the software in more detail in a future issue. Watch this space, and go get your trail copy in the mean time.

At Cozahost we help small companies and professionals tame the internet so that they can concentrate on making money. We take care of the technical stuff so that they can take care of business. Here are some of our products and services:

According to WikiPedia (free online encyclopedia) : "A Darwin Award is an honor given to people who supposedly help to improve the human gene pool by "removing themselves from it in a spectacularly stupid manner." The prizes are named in honor of the evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin, are awarded over the World Wide Web, and are frequently distributed via email. There is no monetary or material prize associated with the Darwin Award, only infamous recognition.

To qualify, one must behave in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, such as juggling hand grenades (Croatia, 2001), jumping out of a plane to film skydivers while not wearing a parachute oneself (North Carolina, 1987), using a lighter to illuminate a fuel tank to make sure it contains nothing flammable (São Paulo, 2002), or heating a lava lamp on top of a stove. While most Darwin winners receive the award posthumously, self-sterilization is sufficient for the award."

Read the rest of the wikipedia article (it's hilarious)...

Here are some (real) winners or honorable mentions over the years:

Honorable mention:
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Honorable mention:
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Honorable mention:
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Winner:
A would be robber James Elliott from Long Beach, California killed himself when his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire, Mr Elliott apparently peered down the barrel and then tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Winner:
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby, and continued: "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."

Winner:
(19 March 2005, Michigan) "Unusual" and "complicated" is how the Missaukee County sheriff described the mysterious death of 19-year-old Christopher, who called 911 at 1:22am and calmly informed the police dispatcher that his neighbor had stabbed him. Suddenly he began screaming and begging for help. A woman was heard shouting in the background, "Why did you do this?" Deputies arrived quickly, only to find that Christopher had bled to death from stab wounds to his chest.
After an evening spent imbibing large quantities of alcohol, Christopher noticed a shortage in his liquor supply that could not be attributed to his own depredations. He concluded that his neighbor had stolen a bottle of booze! He menaced said neighbor with a knife, to no avail, whereupon he retired to his own apartment to brood about revenge.

Finally he figured out the perfect way to get back at that conniving bottle-thief: he would stab himself and blame the neighbor!

A witness saw Christopher enter the bathroom while he called police. When he emerged from the bathroom, he looked perfectly fine, but a moment later he began screaming as gouts of blood spewed from his chest. He ran to the door of the apartment, and collapsed.

The evidence pointed to self-inflicted wounds. Deputies found the knife that killed him in the kitchen, and an autopsy concluded that he had stabbed himself in the chest twice. The first wound may not have looked dangerous enough to him, so he took the knife and tried again, this time plunging it into his left ventricle. This wound was plenty dangerous: he had only two minutes to live.

Christopher died in vain. His deathbed accusation fell on deaf ears, as a witness stated that the neighbor was not in the apartment, and the neighbor offered to take a lie-detector test to demonstrate his innocence. All Christopher got for revenge was an accidental death sentence.

As Oscar Wilde said: "There is no sin but stupidity."

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